“Slut, Home-wrecker, Sloppy Seconds Whore!” These are but a few of the slurs tagged to women who are found to be partaking in an extramarital affair. The idea of an “affair” is interesting and a relatively new term. There are plenty of Biblical stories of concubines, sultans have always had harems, and men sleeping with other women can be found in most accounts of great historical figures. In our Herstory Series, the Shah Jahan had two other wives that he was married to. Mumtaz Mahal, the woman who inspired the building of the Taj Mahal, was aware and for all intents and purposes okay with this arrangement. So, how do we understand an affair? How is it different than a concubine? Who are these women that are sleeping with married men?
The definition for a concubine as provided by dictionary.com reads: a woman who cohabits with a man to whom she is not legally married, esp. one regarded as socially or sexually subservient; mistress. Here, we learn that concubines are sexually subservient to men. I wonder if all women involved in affairs with married men would agree with this definition. These women would probably argue that “there’s so much more to the relationship than sex!” or “He doesn’t love his wife anymore!” My question is, if he doesn’t love his wife, why is he still married to her? If he didn’t have some concern for the status of the marriage, why would he be hiding his affair? (These are not rhetorical questions. Please provide answers if you have them in the comments section.)
So, let’s go with the above argument and suppose that there is so much more to the relationship than sex. Topdatingtips.com has a very good article on the dangers of having an affair with a married man. The article tackles the conflict of having an affair with a married man from every angle. There is often a great deal of lying and manipulation that takes place on the part of the man to both his spouse and the other woman. One interesting point that this article points out is that the other woman will begin socially withdrawing from her friends because they may not agree with her behavior. I would socially withdraw from such an individual as well but not because I would impose my moral judgment on them. I would be afraid that the manipulation, under-handed antics, and lying that this woman has to do in order to maintain her extramarital affair will certainly express itself in other relationships. Just like the saying goes: “Once a cheat, always a cheat”. And I add, “Once a liar, always a liar.”
As I read the article on Topdatingtips.com, my heart was actually moved by the women having affairs with these married men. They are told to be grateful for what little time they can spend with married lovers, are often mistreated and lied to in the relationship. How do these women get involved in these unhealthy relationships and why do they stay in them? AdultWonderful.com writes about the practice of married men portraying themselves as single and then revealing their married status after the women falls in love. That’s plausible but that is not the case for every situation. Some women enter these arrangements knowingly and without being coerced. Of concern to me is that women fall in love with married men and can experience an intense emotional commitment to their married lovers. On the flip side of the coin, the other woman will be left bruised, and emotionally and mentally scarred for a lifetime. Remember the movie Fatal Attraction with Glenn Close?
In discussions that I have had on this topic, some woman feel that it is safer to be the mistress than the wife. Others say that they can continue to live their own lives without being fully committed to the man. Surprisingly, some “mistresses” claimed that were treated better than the wife I’ve heard. On the surface, that sounds like a decent deal. You get to be treated, doted on with love and kisses, and you don’t have to be restricted to a monogamous relationship. That sounds like a package deal…for some. But what about snuggling in on a Saturday morning with flannel pajamas and hot cocoa with your sweetie? The married man probably won’t do that with the other woman, there’s a greater chance of them doing it with their wives.
Please watch this video on: “Why do women have affairs with married men?” This is a great video that looks at the perspective of the other woman and what she gains from her relationship with a married man.
I am so curious to understand women who are sleeping with married men. I’m even more curious about women who fall in-love with married men. I have a few questions for the readers:
1.) When considering having an affair with a married person, doesn’t the moral ethics of womanhood kick in and alert the other woman that karma’s a ho, and will bite her around ten times harder?
2.) Do you ever think about his married spouse?
3.) Does the trust factor come into play in these rendezvous? Are the other women really able to trust their married lovers?
4.) Is there a such thing as a successful affair?
5.) Have you ever been approached by a married man? How did that start and end? Please spare no details.
6.) Concubines and harems were once socially accepted arrangements and parts of everyday life. How have we come to conceive of sex out of the context of marriage as an affair? Is it fair to do so?
Please stay involved in our Herstory Month Series!
What it takes to make a modern woman
Is it still a man’s job to approach a woman?
Women complimenting other women
My life was so boring til’ I started whoring-NA
Rewriting Madams back into Herstory
Violence Against Women on College Campuses
Other Posts by Eryn:
Human Trafficking Domestic and Abroad
Black History’s Leading Literary Lady
The Black Panther Party For Self Defense
Intelligence of Interference? COINTELPRO and the Black Panther Party
“How they sold Marcus Garvey for rice”-LH
Yes you’re a woman…just a different kind
Vote to Discontinue Black History Month
Where’s my Forty Acres and a Mule
Too black to be white, too white to be black
I don’t date outside my species!
Authors bio is coming up shortly.
I’ve been approached by a married man. I knew that he was married. He knew that I was attracted to him regardless of his martial status. It started off slowly…emails…then an exchange of phone numbers…then we graduated to text messages. We had arranged to meet somewhere. We both lived far away from each other but we had common ground in another state. We met up. He didn’t directly say the word “affair” but he laid out the arrangement for me. It sounded good. I had butterflies and I got caught up in the rush. But when the deal got too real and he started advancing, I couldn’t help but to think “This guys a pro.” He had too well-laid of a plan. It was practiced and probably full-proof. I was saved by fear of him having some sort of disease from sleeping with woman all over the country and potentially in other countries.
I got out by the skin of my teeth.
I did think about his wife and children and I had my greatest issue with the ring that stayed on his finger while he tried to “take it there”.
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I met a man . Nice guy. I was recently divorced. So was he.Or so I thought . 2 years later I find out he is married going back to his wife. Why she took him back I will never know. What I do know is the devastation and embarrassment I felt . Why any woman would willingly consent to be in this position I will never know that either. To subject yourself to what amounts to abuse is just crazy. Yeah guess I could call myself lucky. I got away by the “skin of my teeth”!
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The fact that he was dishonest and deceitful is horrible. Did his wife know that he had an extra marital affair? Or did he keep her in the dark so that he could just pick up where they left off? Life indeed lends us some very lucky outs in life. Thank God for that layer of “Skin” on the teeth…
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[...] Womanly Affairs: Understanding the women sleeping with married men [...]
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[...] Womanly Affairs: Understanding the women sleeping with married men [...]
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[...] Womanly Affairs: Understanding the women sleeping with married men [...]
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[...] Womanly Affairs: Understanding the women who sleep with married men [...]
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Mmmm hmm women that date married men, so what does that make them? This is such a great article. I don’t think women that date married men should be labled as anything. Well mistress is a well fitted word for someone who is doing this. But seriously let’s face it. It’s daring, it’s fun, and it’s something that isn’t always the women’s fault. Ok so for example my sister-in-law always comes to me and says how could such and such hit on my husband, knowing that he’s married and he got kids and a home? I reply back… “so, what the hell does that have to do with anything?” You know if the man ain’t trying hard enough to say I’m extremely devoted to this person and an affair is completely out the question; then you should never be blaming the woman.
Sure it seems wrong on both ends but hey I know regardless if a man’s married, the fact that I know I can have him and he desires me more than his wife is a very hot feeling. Seriously, I would run with that. Ladies need to start waking up because we are capable of doing the same to a man. And please don’t call me a home wrecker, I just want women to start waking up and don’t blame these women for ruining your home. Your man ruined it first by not putting the effort in to resist the mistress.
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MissCCD,
Great point. It is also the woman who always gets labeled for wrecking the home when it was actually the man who did that. The woman did not leave the man’s wife and children, he did.
But, I do believe that there is something to be said for women who know that they are worth so much more than someone who is emotionally unavailable. Stepping outside of a commitment made before God is dishonorable. Granted, we all make mistakes. We all let the sun get in our eyes sometimes and we don’t think clearly. But, there’s always a little voice deep down inside that alerts you to the danger. Every woman has it.It’s called the womanly instinct. Hopefully, no matter how much we try to gag this voice, it should always overpower our own desires.
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But I would also like to empower women who do jump into this type of relationship to be aware of the consequences and be careful. A man who does this can only lead to no good, no matter how good it feels to know that he desires you more than his wife. Skin of my teeth I admire you for what you did in this scenerio and I hope other women don’t fall in this trap.
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Glad that you included this addendum!
Eryn
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[...] Womanly Affairs: Understanding the women who sleep with married men [...]
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it is never okay to be in a relationship with a married man, no matter what! …
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What I think you can’t stop having feelings for someone and if you like someone who is married but not willing to leave her wife, then I don’t think he have enough guts and being with him wouldn’t be a good choice.
In case the guy is not happy with her wife, why is he still with him. Some questions are always unanswered.
It has always been a male dominant society however women have come a long way now and I am sure they will go a long way further.
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Here is a very good point been focused upon. Women were always supressed till now in this male dominent society, but the way they are coming up nowdays is really pleasing to see. I don’t what should we say the women who goes into bed with a married man but if the men is not willing to part his ways with his current wife for you and he is surely not a good pick for you.
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Do you realize you are saying that if the married man is willing to leave his wife (and probably children) then it is OK? That’s messed up. It is never OK to whore around with a married person. Granted whores do, but that is still not OK. If you do the betrayed has every right to kick your ass, sue you (yes they can still do this in several states), and tell everyone they know and you know that you are a POSOW (Piece of Sh!t Other Woman). Or POSOM- man if the betrayed was a husband.
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My Answers based on MY experience(s):
1.) When considering having an affair with a married person, doesn’t the moral ethics of womanhood kick in and alert the other woman that karma’s a ho, and will bite her around ten times harder?
YES! And I often say things like, “I’m going to hell” or “God hates me”. The reality is, there is little to justify my actions but, Love is a mighty power, larger and more supernatural than anyone truly in it can fight. The passion and infatuation that introduced US has transformed into something so deep that karma does not scare me. I would withstand a bite a thousand times harder.
2.) Do you ever think about his married spouse?
Often. I see pictures of them together on Facebook with their children and I am filled with guilt, yet he pacifies my concerns with such lovely words and earth shattering affection that it makes it impossible to let go. He insists he is getting a divorce and was going to do so prior to meeting me, yet it has now been five months and although he has left her and lives with me, he has not filed for anything and says he needs to ease her into the idea slowly. She is still trying to make the marriage work as recent as yesterday, quoting bible verses and begging. It makes me sad. I realize what I am doing, what we are doing, and how it is affecting so many lives. I don’t know how to move forward but I do know I can’t go backward.
3.) Does the trust factor come into play in these rendezvous? Are the other women really able to trust their married lovers?
I go through moments of debilitating insecurity. I convince myself I am going to break it off, but cannot muster the strength, unless it is temporarily enhanced by wine…then immediately reneged the following day. I am not the first indiscretion he has had, yet he claims he was in love with the last one as he is with me. Which I suppose makes it different from a “sordid affair”. I am reassured that I am the only one. I am perfection and unlike any other. His soul-mate. He writes me beautiful poetry, sings me knee-weakening love songs and I believe every word.
4.) Is there a such thing as a successful affair?
I suppose the answer to that is still a mystery for me and what is successful? Divorce from his wife then remarriage to me? What if after 10 years that affair, now marriage, ends up in divorce? Would that label the affair unsuccessful? My only marriage ended in divorce after 14 years, when my husband started an affair with my best friend. I did not find out until after I separated from him (for other reasons) and they started “dating”, that they had been sleeping with each other for several months prior. That crushed any hopes I had of reconciliation as they soon married and have stayed that way for 11 years. The irony, per my children and others, is she lives in constant fear that he either still loves me or he is having an affair with me or someone else. She has gone as far as to forbid him from talking, texting or emailing me and does not allow him to even have my phone number stored in his cell. Is that a successful affair? They are married, but she is tormented by distrust.
5.) Have you ever been approached by a married man? How did that start and end? Please spare no details.
I sometimes feel I am a married-man magnet. I do not solicit this attention, hang out at bars, flirt or wear too suggestive of clothing, but I do listen and from other articles I have just recently read, this is a big draw. Ooops! I have many successful and influential married friends who, although I have not slept with, have professed their love to me because, I believe, I listen and I care. It is flattering and I do enjoy the attention. I suppose many a psychologist could have a field day deciphering my motives and many a wife could in turn scratch my eyes out! I would accept both as needed and probably deserved.
How my story continues is a curious thing but, it is no more curious than any others story. I’m trying to live my best life, like we all are. We are so fragile and vulnerable, yet ruthless and strong. I cannot judge anyone for those tendencies.
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Uno: Sometimes there is NOT alot of lying or manipulation going on in regards to cheating. If your mate doesnt express interest, doesnt care or doesnt notice it is in fact E A S Y ! and can go on surprisingly long.
That goes both way’s, you might be the one who doesnt notice.
Dos: I was in a seven year marriage when I was young. I had no family & ended up in one of those situations where we moved in together, convenient, got a car together, etc. Somewhat dependent.
After a few years I was so damn bored. I cheated. 3 different people one of whom was married.
Upon the end of the relationship (break up was over children) I made a personal decision to always have my own money, my own friends, have my own life.
That way if I was in a relationship with someone & I was really that interested in another I could be honest about my feelings & end it for the right reasons first. You have to have respect in order to give it.
So NO . . . . not once a cheat always a cheat, change can & does happen if you want it.
Really want it. Never lied/cheated since.
As a matter of fact I tried an open marriage for several years afterwards just to get the experience. Openness will teach you everything & kill insecurity.
Tres: “Grateful for what little time they get” ? ? ? Really?
Huh Uh!!! Go ahead & love your wives, snuggle Saturday away, some dont want to take love out of your life, not trying to deprive anybody more power to ya.
Many women abso love the wonderful aspect of familiarity with someone they really care about & are attracted to instead of bar hopping or casual dating but dont want the commitment AT ALL!
I know a couple Samantha Jones’
Some women can just power through those little oxytocin sex hormones.
So affairs with the right fit can be long lasting, truly intimate and satisfy both parties.
Quatro: Karmic debts are the incentive to stay & play. You want to create them w/others, have them paid back, you want to repay them. Without such a force acting upon you there would be little inspiration to stick around. They present themselves as a way for the Universe to ask you, “What are you doing? How are you doing it? Are you manifesting awareness or not? Are you manifesting responsibility or not? How are you ‘showing up’ in this world?”
Karmic Debts are a fascinating process of balancing energies. You do something shitty to me, I do something shitty to you then we both learn from the experience. We balance the energy & afterwards, in the pub, we have a good laugh.
Cinco: For the last two years Ive been with a man who is so sweet, incredible & downright scary honest with me. We can feel whats going on with each other inside, its weird. I truly believe I was given this gift because Im worthy of it. I worked hard to analyze myself, my behavior and to move through life in a progressive manner. I learned from my mistakes and it was not easy. Cheating is a symptom. Like a disease you can spend years even your life dealing with “symptoms” or you can get to the bottom of the problem and clean it up at the root. Your choice
Seis: HARLOW . . . . YOU ROCK
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I’ve recently entered in a relationship with a married man who has been for the most part open about his situation. I of course had serious reservations about entering the situation but let my heart lead the way for a change. I know it may not be right…although the perception is that women that sleep with married men are heartless harlots it is not the case…I think of his family all the time. I know the damage OUR affair could be causing however I am stuck torn in between my emotional attachment to him and what the world says is right and honestly what I would want from my own marriage one day. But I’m just trying to live within the happy moments of life, and for now some of those moments happened to be shared with a married man. Please don’t judge to harshly because it felt good to be real about this for a change.
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You don’t honestly think of anything other than yourself. Adultery is very selfish. If you ever meet anyone decent and they find out about your skanky past, they shouldn’t stay around. You talk of the damage you “could” be doing, scratch that, you already did the damage. Decent people do decent things.
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My husband left me, it wasn’t his problem how I felt; it isn’t my problem how anyone else reacts to what I do. If you don’t trust your man, your problem is between you and your man.
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My married man approached me online. He talked to me about random events in our town dropping not so subtle hints here and there.
Being bored and unhappy in my own marriage I took the bait when he told me he had a mind numbing crush on me for years but was afraid to tell me.
I know I’m terrible. I know his sweet lovely wife and kids. Part of me thinks he’s full of crap but the other part is falling for all the ” I love you soulmate” crap.
The only way I know how to explain why I’m still carrying on is I feel addicted to the high he gives me. On the weekends I’m miserable because he is with his family then. I tell myself, this is it! I can’t do this anymore. Then Monday comes and he calls with all his charm and a new song that is his song to me.
Why am I so dumb? I wish I knew. Do I feel guilty? Immensely. If I can give any advice to anyone it would be RUN. Run fast in the beginning from the first hint of attraction. The high is not worth the low.
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Affairs are addiction, that’s why you feel like that. If you break up his marriage and end up having to live with him, good chance the fairy tale would be over.
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I am considering having an affair, I am twice divorced (no affairs at all, the marriages just fell apart) and once widowed. I do not want to have anymore ‘meaningful’ relationships with anyone. I get really sick of ultra judgmental and bitchy about the whole thing, it truly takes three people to make an affair. I blame all of them, the man, his wife, and the other woman. I want someone to be with physically, not emotionally. The judgmental people know that this could happen to them and do not want to face the reality that to keep a spouse happy, it takes work, hard work and they are unwilling to do it. Get over it and work on your relationship already, it is not too late.
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I sleeped with my friends husband…
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I am 44 years old, single woman and mother and am in a relationship with a married man for about 6 months. I think about his wife and family all the time. I do not know her personally but do know she is a wonderful wife and mother and by my lovers own admission he has no complaints except she doesn’t enjoy sex. I have spent nearly two decades just being mom and I spent over a year trying online dating….trying to meet single available men to no avail. I decided that there is something very satisfying about this relationship….he provides me some stolen moments of attention and for the first time in a long time I am having a sex life again. It has many down falls being a mistress but I am not getting any younger amd i am just happy for the crumbs I get….it is terrible to say so but it just seems so hard to find single men. We have a friendship and it is not entirely sexual which helps me feel appreciated and wanted again. He does not pay my bills, we don’t have secret weekends away….it is not glamorous but it is fulfilling many voids in my life. For him, I suspect just one void. I know that at any moment I will be discarded like trash and it will be painful but pain is temporary. so for me it is a relationship of convience but I have real feelings for him. I try to encourage him to try different approach with his wife regarding sex as I think he would be so happy if she would not be such a prude in the sack. if she was more sexual towards him he would t even give me a glance I am sure.
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This looks liked an aged article right now… but Im still willing to post what happened to me
I was working at the same company that I met a guy to whom I started seeing. He had emailed me out of the blue one day.. asked for my number to meet up. I ended up telling one co worker who I was meeting up for a drink and she said that he was married. When I confronted him.. he said that he was no longer with his wife but separated.. I thought with naievity (sp?) When I look back..why would he lie. He seemed trustworthy, respected at work.. surely he wouldnt lie to someone who works at the same company at least.. wrong.
I dated him for 3 months.. and by that time I fell for him.. what didnt seem to make sense was him being away almost every weekend.. and every time he had a story of a family drama or him selling the property that he co owned with ex partner
I came to my senses that something definitely was not right.. as it seemed like I had no say what so ever on whether he went away or not, or if I was to be ever involved
Penny dropped when I carried out an investigation, and that he was still with her.. was devastated. How could anyone do something that was such a conscious choice.. to carry on a facade of lies and illusion..
I ended up telling the wife.. thought she had a right to know at least what sort of person she is truely married too. But of course with him being a master of manipulation he turned around to me seducing him and him being the poor me Im a weak man.. I was more gobsmacked. But I realised you can’t save everyone from guys like that.. I had to rescue myself and come to terms with all being one ugly lie..
So moving on with life I am.. but just when you think watch out for the dodgy single guys out there.. theres the married ones who pretend their single and even worse.. no wonder women who go through this similar scenario like mine.. of never having any intention of being in a situation like this..end up very badly bruised and cynical..
Still.. life is only worth living to live with hope and a positive outlook in life.. choose hope in the world!!!
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I’m still numb from my encounter with a married man last night. I serve in the children’t ministry, am a church going woman, and shun that type of contact. The married man was an ex boyfriend of mine who was in town for the weekend. His nephew, one of my dear friends passed me a message for me to text him. Going against my better judgement, I did text him which led to us meeting for drinks, which led to conversation, which led to him coming to my place and having some of the most mind blowing sex I’ve had in years. He kisses me like a soap star, and…goes at it like a porn star…and intellectually, he’s very stimulating…3 VERY bad combinations. No conversation was had about his wife, and I didn’t ask. He’s now going back to his city which is 4 hours from me (thank goodness), and now, I’m having to grapple if I’ve truly blocked my blessings. I would like to get married one day, and it hasn’t happened. I have had SEVERAL married men hit on me, but have always avoided that, as I never want to be part of a strained marriage or demise of a family. In this scenario, however, it was HIM…my ex who I always had a good rapport with. I’m an absolute realist, so I have no fuzzy visions of having some inhibited romance where I’ll be happy with stolen moments. I deserve a LOT better than that; am worth more than that, yet had a serious moment of weakness. Now, I’m analyzing the root of that weakness. So granted, it was a wonderul time..before, during and after, but I want more for myself…and I deserve more. I won’t be seeing him again or staying in contact with him.
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I don’t care if you are the mistress, the cheating husband or the cheating spouse, these stories are all the same. The most appallingly common ground is that every one involved passes the buck for the responsibility to someone else…it’s the cheating husband’s fault for getting involved, or love made us do it, or the married woman says my marriage sucked and I just wanted some hot sex, or the married spouse who says “you can’t judge me, I am fine with my choice.”
If you are involved with a married person, whether you are single or married yourself, you are impacting other people. These “other people” include the innocent spouse and children of the cheaters. Your decision for doing so, in my opinion, is your own selfish choices, even if they are coupled with someone else’s own selfish choices. Their lives are negatively affected by your choices.
What gives you that right? Nothing. That’s why all cheaters lie about it and cover it up with denials about how thrilling it is, or how great it feels to be adored. But what’s the thrill? What type of adoration is it? It’s fake. If you don’t think it is, why not try telling all involved parties what is going on and then see how you and everyone else feels and reacts to it. You won’t ever do this because you are cowards about yourself and what you are really worth.
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